The Embers Remember

- For J.L.B. -

The embers remember
the girl from the shore,
reborn from the fire
that burned at her door.

A spark, a light, a flash of pain
and all was dark.
Silent again.

The warmth that radiated from that epic fire
lives on in the embers that remember her touch.
The embers remember the life lived before -
they remember the girl who grew up by the shore.

She moved and spoke with a certain grace
that hid the hurt
and lined the face
with a hint of hope
lies could not erase.

When first she came to this since wasted land
she had faith in her heart,
and a hand in her hand.
Deals were made
and dreams were born -
but deals fell short
and the seems of dreams are easily torn -

and the flame burned on.

She has left this place, once green and bright,
and her last word still lingers
"Remember...."
whsip'ring through the silver night.
And though the flame has long since gone
Her smile remains, and will aways shine on -
for faith and hope and dreams galore
burst through the walls
when the fire burns down the door.


The embers remember
the girl from the shore -
They started the fire
that destroyed her front door.

She reminded us all
in time and in turn
that both love and life
are well worth the burn.

In Between

Inside Plato's Cave

there were no individuals.

Spectators, all.

And Inside Adam's lush garden

Eve had a 50/50 chance

to be responsible for the Fall.

Its hard for me not to envy

these antiquated places -

there were fewer people then,

thus fewer judgemental faces.

To be certain, stones were cast.

Alexander gossiped about a "loose soldier",

Cleopatra received hateful glances,

Brutus and Judas, with such names,

fated to betray -

and Romulus and Remus

such competition,

brought up on the hill by the bay.

And yet....

and yet with less "people"

and less "society"

and a much larger "world" -

how could one not envy the clear and present lack of threat.

I'd give my life to spend my time

worrying about war,

invasion,

the Black Plague.

Instead of the sting of a GQ magazine cover,

the invasion of some younger person majoring in

your major,

and most of all,

"community".....

And I return full circle

as I so often to

(unintentionally, of course)

A community is a group of people

gathered together through an indirect purpose

but fighting for something that they also simulatenously destroy:

Community.

A person leads to people.

People lead to society.

A society makes up a community.

And a community will destroy a person

......as long as we have a society in between.

And in between is where I shall end -

where all this mess begins.

Two lovers....or two drukards...

faithful or otherwise

together for one purpose:

to come.

and to go.

But that in between.....

that damn tricky in between.....

it makes all the difference.

Son of Man - A Child's Poem

You brought me up
you raised me right
ghost by day
asleep by night

and when i left
west coast bound
you set me free
lost to be found

and found i was
by one like you
hard working, handsome
with a drink or two

i grew i learned
i stumbled i fell
alone again
my silent yell

alone ive walked
down that path of life
proving myself, not
like that dullish subtle knife

ill fall and fall and try again
and fight my way into the world of men
and if i fall to far to see
just know that you being you
helped me to be me

tf
710

Stroll Down the Gallery of My Mind

I was an Art History Minor for the first two years of College. I LOVED the AP Art History class I took in High School and the classes I took at Santa Barbara City College... but with all my transferring and the money consttraints, I wasn't able to continue with that. Nonetheless, my passion hasnt died. Here are some of my favorites. Just for fun.

Winged Victory of Samothrace - Hellenistic

David - Bernini

The Ecstacy of St. Teresa - Bernini (if you cant tell,he's my fav.)The Conversion of St. Paul - Caravaggio (fav. painter)

"A SundayAfternoon ontheIsland of LaGrande Jatte"The Persistence of Memory - Dali

The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn is Just to Love (Yourself) and be Loved in Return.

This blog is dedicated to those who let me fall. The ones who helped me fail. You taught me to prevail.

Several events in the past few weeks have led me to continuously ponder a certain crucial aspect to interpersonal relationships.

About 18 months ago I was told by a certain good friend: "Tommy, it doesnt matter who you date. You dont know who you are. You're so insecure that you become whoever the person you are dating wants you to be."

At the time, I took the observation with a nod, but gave no verbal response. In fact, Im not quite sure exactly how I felt at the time. Im sure I disagreed. Im sure I mentally responded with a spontaneous and defensive attack. And then quickly threw the comment out of my head so as not to have to consider  the comment's validitiy for even a moment. 

My old way of dealing.

Out with my reality. In with my vast imagination.

Over the past year and a half I have come to learn about myself, relationships and myself IN relationships. One of the main things I have come to learn....you ready for it? You sure? You've probably never heard it before...ever. But here it is: you have to love yourself before you can expect someone to love you in return.

Obviously I was oozing with sarcasm when I said you've probably never heard that before.
By now, its considered cliche.
The thing about cliches? They're cliche for a reason.

.........

Growing up like I did, I never had much experience with how to handle interpersonal relationships.
Why? I never really had any.
I had a nanny until  I was 4 and I have so many vivid wonderful memories of her.
None of my parents oddly enough.
Wait. Thats not odd at all. They werent around much.

Friends werent really an option. I grew up in the mountains surrounded by snow and forests.
For the first two years of school I was never able to go over to my classmate's houses or birthdays because it was difficult enough getting up and down the canyon for school and groceries. We couldnt really afford to make any extra trips.

Anyway..... long story short(er)... my best friend for a long long time was my imagination. Which is fine. In fact, its wonderful. I wouldnt be the person I am today if that were not the case.

But one of the negative aspects of this is that I was never really able to develop interpersonal skills. Communication. Self respect. Honesty. etc....

I was able to pick up many of these lessons on my own as I entered my teens and started dating. But nothing incredibly substantial and it led to a lot of problems in my more intimate relationships. Many of which have trickled down through the cracks of time and often drip drop onto my head to this day. But progress has been made. Of that, I am sure. But at a steep cost.

This is what I've learned: (as a result of my own personal experience and observing others)
Yes, you do have to love yourself before you can expect others to love you in return. I word it in that particular way because I know for a fact that is possible to love others if you dont love yourself. In fact, it may be easier because that love which would otherwise be directed toward yourself is free to be directed at others. And, as human beings, I personally believe we are programmed to love. It feels good. It feels wonderful.  But if you dont love yourself.... you really cant expect to be loved in return. Fully, at least.

Loving myself has ALWAYS been a struggle.
I'm one of the most insecure people I know. I know this. My friends know this. Its obvious.
I never really understood why anyone would even WANT to love me to begin with. When people claimed they did, I assumed it was either confused feelings (lust?) or they wanted something out of me. Usually, I was right. But I let them use me anyway. At least I felt good/wanted temporarily.

However there have been cases where I have loved others and I know I've been sincerely loved in return. But it really wasn't fair for them.
I didnt love myself.
As such, their love was unable to grow.... it had nothing to ride on. It filled me completely. Which isnt necessarily a good thing. Love from another should fill you, but not completely. It should complete you, but not all of you. It should be added to the love you have already given yourself.

That's true love.
That's the trick.

As one of my favorite song lyrircs goes: "We're one. But we're not the same. We get to carry each other. Carry each other."

I know for a fact the people I have fallen in love with already had a solid foundation of love for themselves in place. It was easier to love them because of it. I've learned that to be fair and equal, you have to give the same. You have to give what you've been given.

That means taking that incredible leap of implementing self-esteem....and acknowledging your own vailidity in this world....
...and beleive me. Its worth it.

Its so so so worth it.

This blog is dedicated to those who let me fall. The ones who helped me fail. You taught me to prevail.
Thank you.

The Apocalypse of Thomas Robert Liam M. Fitzgerald

Found this stored in my email from about 2 years back. I have no recollection of writing it.... but its interesting to look back on. Enjoy.

WARNING* its very t.s. eliot/wasteland-ish in that everything is an obscure reference to who knows what. lol.

"The Apocalypse of Thomas Robert Liam M. Fitzgerald"

a quivering gasp
and a turbulent shout.
these were the sounds left ringing
in his soft and innocent ear.

yet in the realization that Eliot was wrong
that this was much worse than any whimper
or bang
he knew it was not the end all.
end of all. all of the end.
wrapped up in a single moment of passionate distaste

this diluted frame, this recycled mess
could only mirror the world that gave it life
and vigor to exist once more.
or more and more again.

the last frontier?
no. not here. for here is simply there
with a renaissance of hope.
the less hope, the better.
well at least for those zombies on Sunset
who ache and crave the coast.

we reuse speech
and breath cyclical air - a poison by any other name
would smell as sweet. sweet and apathetic to the lungs of those
who dared to dream.

a dream so far deferred. yet ignorant to the flame.

Speaking of the flame.
I remember the Moulin Rouge.
Seen first from the window of Giovanni's smoky room .
Now, seen only in pictures and the minds
of those who can
can.

And like the dance, and like the Rogue
all has turned to dust.
The lidless eye has engulfed the world
and I somehow still seek to
disect the reason, why.

I should not think.
I should not know.
I should be asleep
or at least, at peace
A not in a world of was.
This is all too much for you to understand.
And yet you do.
You do.
.... and yet.

We see the world in a grain of sand
and heaven in a wild flower,
but to hold infinity in the palm of your hand
and eternity in an hour
makes a life beyond life impossible to conceive
yet difficult to leave behind.

But I can tell you this:
The end is not the end
just as birth is not the beginning.
To die is to dream,
a dream of endless catharsis.
And this,
well this is just the climax of a people
gathered in song, and united in sight.

You can choose to fight
or you could choose to run
but one thing you cannot choose
is to choose to choose -
an irony built on the ego
of Langston Hughes,
still on the Brooklyn Bridge,
still screaming the bluest of blues.

The here and now
is the there and then
only much more temporary
and much less desired.

The grass is greener
where you water the grass
and now, at last,
we can drink in the rain that falls from below
and we can begin to grow.

I rot, in Worms -
my body left for Death.
And in the knowledge of pain
I shed just one tear.

A tear for Martin Luther,
both King and Servant,
who spoke of change in a world of consistent hate.

A tear for Patroclus,
who's death finally showed dear Achilles
that the heart is much more vulnerable
than an ankle, or hand.

A tear for Rosencrantz,
who lost his Guildenstern
somewhere on the sea -
who could no longer bear to be
so close and yes so utterly far from the shore.

And a tear, yes.. a tear...
for Pippin and his song.
Which echoed so far
and for so long
that even Daivd LaChapelle heard of the pain
in the intolerable instant
of the first photo his camera ever shot.

The men bred from cacti
and the soldiers of doom
come for me now, to bring me to the dawn.

And when I am gone

yes, when I am gone
think of me as you will.

Your will can and will
bring me back to the light
And when we embrace again,
I hope you hold me just as tight.

To Be. Because You Are.

For R.L.C.

I kiss'd your lids
and the summer sun sealed them with their rays.
a light so warm, it moved your heart.
a beat, skipped.
a moment, remembered.
and the world held her reverbating breath
for us, with us, tonight.

this freshly born season
has, in turn, bred an antiquated reason:
"To Be.
Because you are."
That is all I know these days,
and these days, I know so much.

You shattered the sound of settling
and melted the pieces into a crystline portrait
of something beautiful
that my world has not yet known.

You're quick to fix
and slow to speak
the words and rhymes that hide your mind.
Yet in my hands I feel your heart
and I use my tips to trace the lines
back to your eyes
and suddenly I know
what I've known forever,
yet refused to see.

And this blinding noise,
this deafening light
isnt so much to handle.
With your smile by my side
and your walk in step with mine
I run with purpose and intent
into this new summer sun
to kiss your lids
and to know your heart
once again.

And again I die with hope.
Your kiss, my welcome home.

Welcome home.

tf
7/2010

Screaming Infidelities

My life has been governed much more by infidelity than it has been by commitment.

I've cheated.
And I've been cheated on.


When i was 15 i was dating a girl and i kissed another one on the lips. It lasted no longer than 3 seconds and there was no tongue involved, but it changed me for life. I told my girlfriend the next day and we broke up. I hated myself for months and vowed that I could never do it again.... I could never make someone feel and look the way she did when I told her. It broke my heart. Worse, I had broken hers.

Luckily, this girl and I are still friends and we remain close to this day.

My first boyfriend whom I met in California while in my first year of college and away from home ended up cheating on me as well. How many times, I still dont know. But I remember the night that I found out by stumbling upon some texts in his phone. I remember how dead I felt. I never thought it was possible to feel that pain. Ever.
Unfortunately, it wasnt the last time I would feel that all but unbearable sting of deceit.

I wont belabor the point any longer by detailing the events of the other two boys that ended up going behind my back to get their quick sexual fix with someone else.
Once you wipe away the specifics.... its all the same story.

And it all left me in pretty poor shape when it comes to relationships. With anyone.
Overcoming the irrational paranoia and sudden jabs of unwarented jealousy has been one of the hardest things I've had to work with. And to this day, its an effort. Though, I must admit, with this new positive outlook I've acquired as of late, its gotten easier.

Currently, I am in Cedar City, UT in a motel room in a stiff, uncomfortable bed while my father snores loudly in the bed next to mine.
Usually, we would probably be camping. And we would be in our pop-top trailer. With two other snoozing bodies. My stepmother and my beautiful little (half) sister.

Thats not the case this summer because recently it was discovered that my father had been having an affair with another woman. For the past two years.

Im not sure how much energy I have tonight to go into my honest feelings about that specific matter. And thats okay, because this blog isnt about specifics necessarily. Its about connection. Between anyone and everyone.

Infidelity destroys connection more than anything I have yet encountered in my personal experience. It obliterates trust. It shuns self respect. And it darkens the already dim light that many people hold onto these days.

For what?.....

Once I was asked "Tommy, I just dont get it. Why would anyone cheat?"
This question was asked by someone who had not yet been in a serious relationship yet.
Im not sure if that has anything to do with why he asked. But my response was something close to: I think people cheat because, as humans, we love attention. We love admiration and adoration. No matter what anyone says, we all do, on a certain level. Entering a committed relationship gives people that for sure. But sometimes, after a while, people settle into a routine and it becomes difficult to see that same admiration we were given in the early stages of the relationship, and they look for it elsewhere.

Often, cheating ensues.

I suppose I would still stick to that answer.
for the most part.

I understand that there are A LOT of reasons that people cheat. I just firmly believe this is one of the most prominent ones.

Routine doesnt weaken connection...it just disguises it in the life that was created because of it to begin with. And people often lose sight of that.

I havent given up on love...... I know it exists.... and I am even finding a restored faith in commitment.

All i Know is that you have to be careful.

Not to the point of paranoia or jealousy. That will ruin a relationship just as quickly as cheating will, to be sure.
But so that neither you nor your partner fall prey to the dangers of time and temptations imposed by routine.

Take joy in the absolutely blissful fact that you get ANOTHER wonderful day with someone you love.
Dont fret that there might be someone else.....or someone better......
That will only cause pain. More so for you than your heartbroken partner.

So much of our lives is built upon the search for someone to love and share our lives with.
Dont ruin that once youve found it.
And even if you're not sure if youve found it.... why risk the possibility?....

Alright.... bed time for me.
Night world.
......Night mister..... sending all my love along the wire.
Im glad I have you, babe. Even if we're not together at this moment and Im not wrapping my arms around you tightly like I would like to be... Ive got you held even tighter in my mind and in my heart.

Quick Game of Catch Up

I need to try and bring this Blog up to speed with what has been going on in my life since I last posted.... which seems a daunting task... thank god for bullet points... and a 5 6 7 8

-Due to unforseen and relentless Financial Issues for me and my family, I was unable to continue my education at UCLA and ended up moving back to Salt Lake City, UT (which is where I spent the first 18 years of my life trying to escape from)

-Obtained one short lived (3 weeks) job as the Concierge in the Downtown SLC Marriott and later a more long term (4 months) job at Verisys Corporation where I had my own cubicle and collected a lot of data on doctors and pharmacists who were abusing their priveleges... ya know, sexually abusing unconcious patients, giving an extra bottle or two of Vicodin to crazy/beautiful housewives (slightly ironic because they boy that I was dating when i first moved back from Cali fell into the habit of popping pills, which he would get from his Home Health Care patients...for sexual favors. Justice? Or just proof that the USA, in particular Utah, is exponentially drowning their sorrows in temporary highs?.... both, to be sure)

-Last Fall I started school again (THANK GOD) at Westminster College in Sugarhouse Utah. Although I dreaded the idea of attending school in Utah...it turned out to be...not so bad. Interesting classes and at least I was forced to read and write again.

-Dated another boy who was a cop in Draper Utah. He was nice and sweet and had an adorable love for his dog who was also a member of the SLC P.D. - this relationship was defined by meals cooked at home (his), 100s of movies and an endless strain of dog hair. Dog hair, everywhere. Covering everything... well not enough to cover the dude's tracks. Yup, another cheater. Makes 3 now, for me. Is trust even an option anymore?....

-Got a job on campus on Westminster. In the Admissions Office. Receptionist. Very "Devil Wears Prada" meets "The Office". Pay is horrible and the hours blow...but its a job. And im lucky to have one these days. So ill take it.

-Just finished my first full year at Westminster which means I have about one year left. 7 classes. 4 in the fall. 3 in the spring. Then I'll have a piece of paper which will tell me and whoever sees it that I have a B.A. in English. What that will really mean is yet to be determined. OTWT, right?

-For the past 2 1/2 months I have been dating a new boy. So far, things are really going well. We've had our share of speed bumps, but we've kept an open and honest line of communication. Granted, most of the issues stem from my persistent insecurites and doubt that has been engraved into my veins by the previous men I've become intimate with who have left me all but unable to trust another human being through their infidelity. But I am concious of it. And I truly continue to work at it each and every day. Im thankful for this new relationship in so many ways. It forces me to look at myself in ways that people often ignore when they are "single". His family and friends have been amazing as well. Since I have moved back to Utah I have met very very few new people who I could call a sincere friend. The people i've met because of my new relationship are quickly changing that. I adore so many of them and find myself laughing and smiling more than I have in a long time. Many of them remind me of my dear friends back in Isla Vista and Los Angeles. Refreshing....

Alright, I suppose I should go back to work. There are schedules to be made and prospective students to be called.
Time drags during this job. Big time.
But I look at it like this... without my college education, and the people I have met because of it, this blog would not exist. Because I would be a completely different person, possibly indifferent to the severe lack of connection that exists in our ever shrinking world.
Maybe by working here, I can open a similar window to a young student.
Maybe not...
either way, the show must go on.

Never give up! Never surrender!

I know its been a hot sec since I've posted...and by hot sec I mean 1 and a half years. Nevertheless, I refuse to give up. I will try to post more and more (as my job gets more and more boring).
I miss writing.... which is one thing an English Major should NEVER EVER have to say.
Lets do this bitch.