7/6/10

To Be. Because You Are.



For R.L.C.

I kiss'd your lids
and the summer sun sealed them with their rays.
a light so warm, it moved your heart.
a beat, skipped.
a moment, remembered.
and the world held her reverbating breath
for us, with us, tonight.

this freshly born season
has, in turn, bred an antiquated reason:
"To Be.
Because you are."
That is all I know these days,
and these days, I know so much.

You shattered the sound of settling
and melted the pieces into a crystline portrait
of something beautiful
that my world has not yet known.

You're quick to fix
and slow to speak
the words and rhymes that hide your mind.
Yet in my hands I feel your heart
and I use my tips to trace the lines
back to your eyes
and suddenly I know
what I've known forever,
yet refused to see.

And this blinding noise,
this deafening light
isnt so much to handle.
With your smile by my side
and your walk in step with mine
I run with purpose and intent
into this new summer sun
to kiss your lids
and to know your heart
once again.

And again I die with hope.
Your kiss, my welcome home.

Welcome home.

tf
7/2010

6/29/10

Screaming Infidelities

My life has been governed much more by infidelity than it has been by commitment.

I've cheated.
And I've been cheated on.


When i was 15 i was dating a girl and i kissed another one on the lips. It lasted no longer than 3 seconds and there was no tongue involved, but it changed me for life. I told my girlfriend the next day and we broke up. I hated myself for months and vowed that I could never do it again.... I could never make someone feel and look the way she did when I told her. It broke my heart. Worse, I had broken hers.

Luckily, this girl and I are still friends and we remain close to this day.

My first boyfriend whom I met in California while in my first year of college and away from home ended up cheating on me as well. How many times, I still dont know. But I remember the night that I found out by stumbling upon some texts in his phone. I remember how dead I felt. I never thought it was possible to feel that pain. Ever.
Unfortunately, it wasnt the last time I would feel that all but unbearable sting of deceit.

I wont belabor the point any longer by detailing the events of the other two boys that ended up going behind my back to get their quick sexual fix with someone else.
Once you wipe away the specifics.... its all the same story.

And it all left me in pretty poor shape when it comes to relationships. With anyone.
Overcoming the irrational paranoia and sudden jabs of unwarented jealousy has been one of the hardest things I've had to work with. And to this day, its an effort. Though, I must admit, with this new positive outlook I've acquired as of late, its gotten easier.

Currently, I am in Cedar City, UT in a motel room in a stiff, uncomfortable bed while my father snores loudly in the bed next to mine.
Usually, we would probably be camping. And we would be in our pop-top trailer. With two other snoozing bodies. My stepmother and my beautiful little (half) sister.

Thats not the case this summer because recently it was discovered that my father had been having an affair with another woman. For the past two years.

Im not sure how much energy I have tonight to go into my honest feelings about that specific matter. And thats okay, because this blog isnt about specifics necessarily. Its about connection. Between anyone and everyone.

Infidelity destroys connection more than anything I have yet encountered in my personal experience. It obliterates trust. It shuns self respect. And it darkens the already dim light that many people hold onto these days.

For what?.....

Once I was asked "Tommy, I just dont get it. Why would anyone cheat?"
This question was asked by someone who had not yet been in a serious relationship yet.
Im not sure if that has anything to do with why he asked. But my response was something close to: I think people cheat because, as humans, we love attention. We love admiration and adoration. No matter what anyone says, we all do, on a certain level. Entering a committed relationship gives people that for sure. But sometimes, after a while, people settle into a routine and it becomes difficult to see that same admiration we were given in the early stages of the relationship, and they look for it elsewhere.

Often, cheating ensues.

I suppose I would still stick to that answer.
for the most part.

I understand that there are A LOT of reasons that people cheat. I just firmly believe this is one of the most prominent ones.

Routine doesnt weaken connection...it just disguises it in the life that was created because of it to begin with. And people often lose sight of that.

I havent given up on love...... I know it exists.... and I am even finding a restored faith in commitment.

All i Know is that you have to be careful.

Not to the point of paranoia or jealousy. That will ruin a relationship just as quickly as cheating will, to be sure.
But so that neither you nor your partner fall prey to the dangers of time and temptations imposed by routine.

Take joy in the absolutely blissful fact that you get ANOTHER wonderful day with someone you love.
Dont fret that there might be someone else.....or someone better......
That will only cause pain. More so for you than your heartbroken partner.

So much of our lives is built upon the search for someone to love and share our lives with.
Dont ruin that once youve found it.
And even if you're not sure if youve found it.... why risk the possibility?....

Alright.... bed time for me.
Night world.
......Night mister..... sending all my love along the wire.
Im glad I have you, babe. Even if we're not together at this moment and Im not wrapping my arms around you tightly like I would like to be... Ive got you held even tighter in my mind and in my heart.

6/25/10

Quick Game of Catch Up

I need to try and bring this Blog up to speed with what has been going on in my life since I last posted.... which seems a daunting task... thank god for bullet points... and a 5 6 7 8

-Due to unforseen and relentless Financial Issues for me and my family, I was unable to continue my education at UCLA and ended up moving back to Salt Lake City, UT (which is where I spent the first 18 years of my life trying to escape from)

-Obtained one short lived (3 weeks) job as the Concierge in the Downtown SLC Marriott and later a more long term (4 months) job at Verisys Corporation where I had my own cubicle and collected a lot of data on doctors and pharmacists who were abusing their priveleges... ya know, sexually abusing unconcious patients, giving an extra bottle or two of Vicodin to crazy/beautiful housewives (slightly ironic because they boy that I was dating when i first moved back from Cali fell into the habit of popping pills, which he would get from his Home Health Care patients...for sexual favors. Justice? Or just proof that the USA, in particular Utah, is exponentially drowning their sorrows in temporary highs?.... both, to be sure)

-Last Fall I started school again (THANK GOD) at Westminster College in Sugarhouse Utah. Although I dreaded the idea of attending school in Utah...it turned out to be...not so bad. Interesting classes and at least I was forced to read and write again.

-Dated another boy who was a cop in Draper Utah. He was nice and sweet and had an adorable love for his dog who was also a member of the SLC P.D. - this relationship was defined by meals cooked at home (his), 100s of movies and an endless strain of dog hair. Dog hair, everywhere. Covering everything... well not enough to cover the dude's tracks. Yup, another cheater. Makes 3 now, for me. Is trust even an option anymore?....

-Got a job on campus on Westminster. In the Admissions Office. Receptionist. Very "Devil Wears Prada" meets "The Office". Pay is horrible and the hours blow...but its a job. And im lucky to have one these days. So ill take it.

-Just finished my first full year at Westminster which means I have about one year left. 7 classes. 4 in the fall. 3 in the spring. Then I'll have a piece of paper which will tell me and whoever sees it that I have a B.A. in English. What that will really mean is yet to be determined. OTWT, right?

-For the past 2 1/2 months I have been dating a new boy. So far, things are really going well. We've had our share of speed bumps, but we've kept an open and honest line of communication. Granted, most of the issues stem from my persistent insecurites and doubt that has been engraved into my veins by the previous men I've become intimate with who have left me all but unable to trust another human being through their infidelity. But I am concious of it. And I truly continue to work at it each and every day. Im thankful for this new relationship in so many ways. It forces me to look at myself in ways that people often ignore when they are "single". His family and friends have been amazing as well. Since I have moved back to Utah I have met very very few new people who I could call a sincere friend. The people i've met because of my new relationship are quickly changing that. I adore so many of them and find myself laughing and smiling more than I have in a long time. Many of them remind me of my dear friends back in Isla Vista and Los Angeles. Refreshing....

Alright, I suppose I should go back to work. There are schedules to be made and prospective students to be called.
Time drags during this job. Big time.
But I look at it like this... without my college education, and the people I have met because of it, this blog would not exist. Because I would be a completely different person, possibly indifferent to the severe lack of connection that exists in our ever shrinking world.
Maybe by working here, I can open a similar window to a young student.
Maybe not...
either way, the show must go on.

6/24/10

Never give up! Never surrender!

I know its been a hot sec since I've posted...and by hot sec I mean 1 and a half years. Nevertheless, I refuse to give up. I will try to post more and more (as my job gets more and more boring).
I miss writing.... which is one thing an English Major should NEVER EVER have to say.
Lets do this bitch.

12/14/08

A Silent Call for Completion

The Angels flew to America
when Homer finished his tale
of Virgil's Lost Paradise....

what to cling to
what to infest
when the very air throughout the land
has bent sucked out by the exodus of angels.
the cold-
the cold-
the utter cold
finds itself without a host.
the body of Buddha
the blood of Kenya
and my depleted nomadic soul:
diasporic in form
and misshapen in name
in this city alone
this city la.

what occurs at the end
when there is no such thing.
does the thing end there
or does it keep on thinging.

my dradle dradle dradle
i willed it out of snow
dradle dradle dradle
GLORY TO GOD?
...no.

i know that you know
that we know it too.
and bahahahahahahahaha
lol jk the status says that i am through.

my world, the world turned 21 today
and it only makes sense that i can use this phone
to check what meal my comrade in Munich
will on this night
on this night
on this very christmas night

i digress and redress and must return to why,
no not for Donne
or Marvell or for the Queen on High
but for you and you and you and you and you you and you

the end is where i was
and i am moving once more
for where i will be, well let that be
for now.

we must decide, tonight or today
the fate of our fate and the way in which
this coin will land once
it has stopped
its insistent and grinchy spin.

L A oh yes L.A. L.a. l.A
the cold- the chill -
the green leaves waving apathetically
in the airless polluted skies.

the unrealist city of ever there is.
the dreamland of all-
after the penultimate one-
there lies the desert, and the ocean in one
with the spotlights aglow
and the streets paved with stars
and the footsteps that echo in the ears
of zombies, strolling light heartedly.

the flowers were picked (by Rechy im sure)
and the vallies of mayflowers have been
completely ignored. from april to june
we seek only one thing.
the coming of our savior,
the sun the sun the sun

now we stand on the cusp of the shore
where death meets night and the light is no more
the gulls soar and to the west as well,
in search of those perfect angels,
who left when Jimmy Dean crashed his cig
and misses Wood
drowned her pain in a bottle o' jack.

to follow the gulls
to put it in reverse.

back to the east? -
to that permanent terminal of new york city
to the eternally bright isle
and the middle ages of lore.
to the shewolf on the hill, feeding the sons of adam.
to alex and his firm friend,
and plato at the gates to the cave up above.

or
or
how many ors do we have left?

or do we sail, across to the past.
follow the gulls to rejoin the caste?

a circle is a circle
and earth spins one way
and so today we spin on
never looking back.

either the rapture or the slam
of a dime long since spun
will come or come and come again.
or- unless-
but again, i digress.

When Homer finished his tale
of Virgil's Lost Paradise,
the Angels flew
to
America....

9/29/08

A Life of Purpose

the world of a great poetic dramatist is a world in which the creator is everywhere present, and everywhere hidden. -t.s. eliot

The business of art is quite intriguing in itself.
Not just the study and creation of art but the art of the artist and his justification for creation is utterly crucial to the history and future of the human species.

Why write?....
Why draw?....
For fun....for money (haha, i know right?)...for others.

This post might be utterly impossible to create from a totally objective point of view as I aspire to work as an author and I find not greater pleasure than picking up an old book....flipping through the brittle pages....softly taking in the scent of thousands of hands of minutes that have passed through it.
However, i will do my best... for all you math/science/business majors. you crazies.
;)

'To be or not to be'
all of you in your heads just finished the given statement with 'that is the question'.
Have you thought about it, though?
Is that really the question?
Is Shakespeare's character Prince Hamlet posing (to himself and 'us') the quintessential canvas on which we all base our daily lives?
What is the point of living?
Who do we live for? Why suffer the real life challenges of day to day life (and yes, there are many...whoever you are) just...because.

Many turn to religion. Tribes of the earliest human beings came up with a seemingly most logical answer: god. Surely, all of this could not have been an accident. The rolling emerald hills New Zealand....the soft yet firm blades of straw that blow silently throughout the African tundras.... the pristine and almost mirror like snowcapped mountains of the Himalayas. all on accident?... absurd.

God.

THIS POST IS NOT ABOUT RELIGION.... IM JUST GETTING TO MY POINT

Through breakthroughs in science and technology and even more astounding in the invention of 'free thought' have led many of our species to utilize a more intrinsic eye. Looking, not to god, but to self.

I have no intention of posting my religious views here...but here is my point:

I write to be. These simple words are my most useful tools in letting you, the reader, connect with me....see whats in my mind or soul if youd rather.

We all are doing the same thing every day: surviving. It may not be heroic. It may not seem hard. But we are all surviving.

I have established my reason for being.

Not for god....not for science... but because, however it happened, the point is it did.
I could undo it. I could end it. But how pointless.

I will leave a legacy. I will leave a footprint.
My name will not be forgot when I have died.

People will flip through books with words that have come from within me.
They will feel me and I will connect with them...

My overall, complete reason for living: to not become not

in more ways than the obvious

9/19/08

My Chance. Make It Count.

Tommy....Don't be scared. It's me....it's you. Just a bit older. I don't want to fill you in on too many secrets of your future. Besides, I only know what the next two years hold for you. I wont sya anything but this. You did it. You got into UCLA. You achieved your goal, and guess what....you have the chance to attend. Yes, I know... completely shocking but you didnt. Well, I can't tell you how. That is for you to find out on your own...what matters is that you did it. You chose the right friends....picked the correct paths...and managed to pick yourself up many times. You won a lot...and you learned a lot. Well that is all I have time for. Now...sleep a little easier. Still try your best and never give up. Your future will surprise you but remember who you have to support you. This is your chance. Make it count.
Oh and Tommy.... tomorrow at school...tell your friends you love them. Hug Heidi a little tigher....look Rene in the eye for one more moment....and listen more carefully to Erin.
Good luck.

8/24/08

Racing in Circles

Yahoo! News ran an article tonight titled "Openly gay athlete wins gold medal"

Really.....

As if sexual orientation has anything to do with athletic ability.

why are they treating it like it is some sort of huge, earth shaking issue?
imagine it bein g some other minority in that headline...
people would be furious.

but no...if a gay man wins a gold medal than it must be some sort of unique, once in a lifetime expirence.

what the fuck year are we in, people!?!?!?!

in high school, so many of our varsity athletes were closeted homosexuals (beleive me, i know).
The only difference is that this diver happened to be 'out'.

Fuck it.


I understand a large portion of the LBGTQ community is proud and smiling tonight becuase of this win. And that is fine (just as it is fine for a nation to be proud of a winning representative)...but the fact that it's national news that a gay man won a gold is....beyond me.

this isnt because of my sexual orientation (as i have none)
this is because i am a human being who was brought up to believe that we live in a nation of equality for all.

grow up.

8/9/08

Isla Vista, California


Last night....

Last night I had a very interesting night in terms of any sort of symbolic/allegorical moments I was hoping to have in regards to my last weekend living in Isla Vista.
I went to a party at D's on DP where he is curently living.
We drank wine and chatted to a few bros.
Talked to a few girls who had the most glossy eyes and were clearly not in any clear state of mind.
Pushed my way through crowds of college students who live for the weekend while avoiding scuffing any shoes and holding my breath through the plumes of cigarette smoke that sifted above their all too done up hair.
Watched the moon's spotlight on the ocean.
And smiled all the while....

We walked DP and ran into people we knew....
strangely enough many being ones i had met my first weekend in iv.
I even stood for a few moments in a cirlce with a couple of former fontainbleu-ians as well as a former RA.
We got yelled at...we yelled.
We lied and laughed and walked that endless circle that is Isla Vista.

I thought, at the end of it, that I would feel some how complete...or at least different from my first weekend experience here, but I found myself in a similar state of being...
Quietly smiling while observing such a unique environment.
Knowing none of this is for me...but the time spent here was not wasted and would never be regreted.
Such a unique environment.

It is one big circle...IV.
Beginning sometime on a thursday evening at the 65 block of Del Playa Dr. and ending sometime early monday morning in a darkly lit room down on the 68 block of some ambiguous street.

It never ends.... due to its size and demographic this circle is constant and in many cases, the only one available. And that is perfectly fine. That is it's purpose.

Coming full circle is an interesting expereince.

Relearning what you already knew...
Watching what you have seen a million times before....
and realizing that we are still people sharing the same human experience...
And whether that experience is in Draper Utah...Westwood LA..or Isla Vista California, the point is that you live it, learn from it and realize it's significance in your own development.

:)
last night was hella tight broseph....

8/1/08

On Meeting New People or The Poor Man's Song

one.....two.....three....four....
the steps youve left on me, in me, forever.
without you.
take my word and break my name
ill never meet another you again. a you who i love so dear.
our fluid remarks never stopping for more than a few flickering moments
and in our glance we come to find the truth witihin forever.
with you.
i would shake your hand...i would kiss your brow
and he or she or both would know that i love them now
and then again when the sun sets below my view.
not yours...
without you.
its true ill forget some but remember what i will
as will you if our luck lasts
without you
without me

you couldnt have left a better mark
you tried and tried and we still let go
and you will go and go again and i will hold on until my eyes close for good. or bad.
how mamy mes and how many yous?
the nows, vows and goodbyes make it all worth the while
while i know it cant never last forever.
it never does.
take this time to think or think to think.
at least one more minute will give you an editorial perspective
to cut and copy what you will. or would if i was still there to show.

thank you for what you gave or for what i took
in our glourious summer of our panultimate year.

yes, last. as it will.

in me
with me
and you....

the fall comes too soon and we all know the cold too well
and..well....youre not that strong

i think i love you
i think
i love
i



ill run with you
or after

just make sure you remember the blue in my soul
and the warmth of my understanding

ill never stop asking