Screaming Infidelities

My life has been governed much more by infidelity than it has been by commitment.

I've cheated.
And I've been cheated on.


When i was 15 i was dating a girl and i kissed another one on the lips. It lasted no longer than 3 seconds and there was no tongue involved, but it changed me for life. I told my girlfriend the next day and we broke up. I hated myself for months and vowed that I could never do it again.... I could never make someone feel and look the way she did when I told her. It broke my heart. Worse, I had broken hers.

Luckily, this girl and I are still friends and we remain close to this day.

My first boyfriend whom I met in California while in my first year of college and away from home ended up cheating on me as well. How many times, I still dont know. But I remember the night that I found out by stumbling upon some texts in his phone. I remember how dead I felt. I never thought it was possible to feel that pain. Ever.
Unfortunately, it wasnt the last time I would feel that all but unbearable sting of deceit.

I wont belabor the point any longer by detailing the events of the other two boys that ended up going behind my back to get their quick sexual fix with someone else.
Once you wipe away the specifics.... its all the same story.

And it all left me in pretty poor shape when it comes to relationships. With anyone.
Overcoming the irrational paranoia and sudden jabs of unwarented jealousy has been one of the hardest things I've had to work with. And to this day, its an effort. Though, I must admit, with this new positive outlook I've acquired as of late, its gotten easier.

Currently, I am in Cedar City, UT in a motel room in a stiff, uncomfortable bed while my father snores loudly in the bed next to mine.
Usually, we would probably be camping. And we would be in our pop-top trailer. With two other snoozing bodies. My stepmother and my beautiful little (half) sister.

Thats not the case this summer because recently it was discovered that my father had been having an affair with another woman. For the past two years.

Im not sure how much energy I have tonight to go into my honest feelings about that specific matter. And thats okay, because this blog isnt about specifics necessarily. Its about connection. Between anyone and everyone.

Infidelity destroys connection more than anything I have yet encountered in my personal experience. It obliterates trust. It shuns self respect. And it darkens the already dim light that many people hold onto these days.

For what?.....

Once I was asked "Tommy, I just dont get it. Why would anyone cheat?"
This question was asked by someone who had not yet been in a serious relationship yet.
Im not sure if that has anything to do with why he asked. But my response was something close to: I think people cheat because, as humans, we love attention. We love admiration and adoration. No matter what anyone says, we all do, on a certain level. Entering a committed relationship gives people that for sure. But sometimes, after a while, people settle into a routine and it becomes difficult to see that same admiration we were given in the early stages of the relationship, and they look for it elsewhere.

Often, cheating ensues.

I suppose I would still stick to that answer.
for the most part.

I understand that there are A LOT of reasons that people cheat. I just firmly believe this is one of the most prominent ones.

Routine doesnt weaken connection...it just disguises it in the life that was created because of it to begin with. And people often lose sight of that.

I havent given up on love...... I know it exists.... and I am even finding a restored faith in commitment.

All i Know is that you have to be careful.

Not to the point of paranoia or jealousy. That will ruin a relationship just as quickly as cheating will, to be sure.
But so that neither you nor your partner fall prey to the dangers of time and temptations imposed by routine.

Take joy in the absolutely blissful fact that you get ANOTHER wonderful day with someone you love.
Dont fret that there might be someone else.....or someone better......
That will only cause pain. More so for you than your heartbroken partner.

So much of our lives is built upon the search for someone to love and share our lives with.
Dont ruin that once youve found it.
And even if you're not sure if youve found it.... why risk the possibility?....

Alright.... bed time for me.
Night world.
......Night mister..... sending all my love along the wire.
Im glad I have you, babe. Even if we're not together at this moment and Im not wrapping my arms around you tightly like I would like to be... Ive got you held even tighter in my mind and in my heart.

Quick Game of Catch Up

I need to try and bring this Blog up to speed with what has been going on in my life since I last posted.... which seems a daunting task... thank god for bullet points... and a 5 6 7 8

-Due to unforseen and relentless Financial Issues for me and my family, I was unable to continue my education at UCLA and ended up moving back to Salt Lake City, UT (which is where I spent the first 18 years of my life trying to escape from)

-Obtained one short lived (3 weeks) job as the Concierge in the Downtown SLC Marriott and later a more long term (4 months) job at Verisys Corporation where I had my own cubicle and collected a lot of data on doctors and pharmacists who were abusing their priveleges... ya know, sexually abusing unconcious patients, giving an extra bottle or two of Vicodin to crazy/beautiful housewives (slightly ironic because they boy that I was dating when i first moved back from Cali fell into the habit of popping pills, which he would get from his Home Health Care patients...for sexual favors. Justice? Or just proof that the USA, in particular Utah, is exponentially drowning their sorrows in temporary highs?.... both, to be sure)

-Last Fall I started school again (THANK GOD) at Westminster College in Sugarhouse Utah. Although I dreaded the idea of attending school in Utah...it turned out to be...not so bad. Interesting classes and at least I was forced to read and write again.

-Dated another boy who was a cop in Draper Utah. He was nice and sweet and had an adorable love for his dog who was also a member of the SLC P.D. - this relationship was defined by meals cooked at home (his), 100s of movies and an endless strain of dog hair. Dog hair, everywhere. Covering everything... well not enough to cover the dude's tracks. Yup, another cheater. Makes 3 now, for me. Is trust even an option anymore?....

-Got a job on campus on Westminster. In the Admissions Office. Receptionist. Very "Devil Wears Prada" meets "The Office". Pay is horrible and the hours blow...but its a job. And im lucky to have one these days. So ill take it.

-Just finished my first full year at Westminster which means I have about one year left. 7 classes. 4 in the fall. 3 in the spring. Then I'll have a piece of paper which will tell me and whoever sees it that I have a B.A. in English. What that will really mean is yet to be determined. OTWT, right?

-For the past 2 1/2 months I have been dating a new boy. So far, things are really going well. We've had our share of speed bumps, but we've kept an open and honest line of communication. Granted, most of the issues stem from my persistent insecurites and doubt that has been engraved into my veins by the previous men I've become intimate with who have left me all but unable to trust another human being through their infidelity. But I am concious of it. And I truly continue to work at it each and every day. Im thankful for this new relationship in so many ways. It forces me to look at myself in ways that people often ignore when they are "single". His family and friends have been amazing as well. Since I have moved back to Utah I have met very very few new people who I could call a sincere friend. The people i've met because of my new relationship are quickly changing that. I adore so many of them and find myself laughing and smiling more than I have in a long time. Many of them remind me of my dear friends back in Isla Vista and Los Angeles. Refreshing....

Alright, I suppose I should go back to work. There are schedules to be made and prospective students to be called.
Time drags during this job. Big time.
But I look at it like this... without my college education, and the people I have met because of it, this blog would not exist. Because I would be a completely different person, possibly indifferent to the severe lack of connection that exists in our ever shrinking world.
Maybe by working here, I can open a similar window to a young student.
Maybe not...
either way, the show must go on.

Never give up! Never surrender!

I know its been a hot sec since I've posted...and by hot sec I mean 1 and a half years. Nevertheless, I refuse to give up. I will try to post more and more (as my job gets more and more boring).
I miss writing.... which is one thing an English Major should NEVER EVER have to say.
Lets do this bitch.