Screaming Infidelities

My life has been governed much more by infidelity than it has been by commitment.

I've cheated.
And I've been cheated on.


When i was 15 i was dating a girl and i kissed another one on the lips. It lasted no longer than 3 seconds and there was no tongue involved, but it changed me for life. I told my girlfriend the next day and we broke up. I hated myself for months and vowed that I could never do it again.... I could never make someone feel and look the way she did when I told her. It broke my heart. Worse, I had broken hers.

Luckily, this girl and I are still friends and we remain close to this day.

My first boyfriend whom I met in California while in my first year of college and away from home ended up cheating on me as well. How many times, I still dont know. But I remember the night that I found out by stumbling upon some texts in his phone. I remember how dead I felt. I never thought it was possible to feel that pain. Ever.
Unfortunately, it wasnt the last time I would feel that all but unbearable sting of deceit.

I wont belabor the point any longer by detailing the events of the other two boys that ended up going behind my back to get their quick sexual fix with someone else.
Once you wipe away the specifics.... its all the same story.

And it all left me in pretty poor shape when it comes to relationships. With anyone.
Overcoming the irrational paranoia and sudden jabs of unwarented jealousy has been one of the hardest things I've had to work with. And to this day, its an effort. Though, I must admit, with this new positive outlook I've acquired as of late, its gotten easier.

Currently, I am in Cedar City, UT in a motel room in a stiff, uncomfortable bed while my father snores loudly in the bed next to mine.
Usually, we would probably be camping. And we would be in our pop-top trailer. With two other snoozing bodies. My stepmother and my beautiful little (half) sister.

Thats not the case this summer because recently it was discovered that my father had been having an affair with another woman. For the past two years.

Im not sure how much energy I have tonight to go into my honest feelings about that specific matter. And thats okay, because this blog isnt about specifics necessarily. Its about connection. Between anyone and everyone.

Infidelity destroys connection more than anything I have yet encountered in my personal experience. It obliterates trust. It shuns self respect. And it darkens the already dim light that many people hold onto these days.

For what?.....

Once I was asked "Tommy, I just dont get it. Why would anyone cheat?"
This question was asked by someone who had not yet been in a serious relationship yet.
Im not sure if that has anything to do with why he asked. But my response was something close to: I think people cheat because, as humans, we love attention. We love admiration and adoration. No matter what anyone says, we all do, on a certain level. Entering a committed relationship gives people that for sure. But sometimes, after a while, people settle into a routine and it becomes difficult to see that same admiration we were given in the early stages of the relationship, and they look for it elsewhere.

Often, cheating ensues.

I suppose I would still stick to that answer.
for the most part.

I understand that there are A LOT of reasons that people cheat. I just firmly believe this is one of the most prominent ones.

Routine doesnt weaken connection...it just disguises it in the life that was created because of it to begin with. And people often lose sight of that.

I havent given up on love...... I know it exists.... and I am even finding a restored faith in commitment.

All i Know is that you have to be careful.

Not to the point of paranoia or jealousy. That will ruin a relationship just as quickly as cheating will, to be sure.
But so that neither you nor your partner fall prey to the dangers of time and temptations imposed by routine.

Take joy in the absolutely blissful fact that you get ANOTHER wonderful day with someone you love.
Dont fret that there might be someone else.....or someone better......
That will only cause pain. More so for you than your heartbroken partner.

So much of our lives is built upon the search for someone to love and share our lives with.
Dont ruin that once youve found it.
And even if you're not sure if youve found it.... why risk the possibility?....

Alright.... bed time for me.
Night world.
......Night mister..... sending all my love along the wire.
Im glad I have you, babe. Even if we're not together at this moment and Im not wrapping my arms around you tightly like I would like to be... Ive got you held even tighter in my mind and in my heart.