7/22/10

Son of Man - A Child's Poem


You brought me up
you raised me right
ghost by day
asleep by night

and when i left
west coast bound
you set me free
lost to be found

and found i was
by one like you
hard working, handsome
with a drink or two

i grew i learned
i stumbled i fell
alone again
my silent yell

alone ive walked
down that path of life
proving myself, not
like that dullish subtle knife

ill fall and fall and try again
and fight my way into the world of men
and if i fall to far to see
just know that you being you
helped me to be me

tf
710

7/20/10

Stroll Down the Gallery of My Mind

I was an Art History Minor for the first two years of College. I LOVED the AP Art History class I took in High School and the classes I took at Santa Barbara City College... but with all my transferring and the money consttraints, I wasn't able to continue with that. Nonetheless, my passion hasnt died. Here are some of my favorites. Just for fun.

Winged Victory of Samothrace - Hellenistic
David - Bernini
The Ecstacy of St. Teresa - Bernini (if you cant tell,he's my fav.)The Conversion of St. Paul - Caravaggio (fav. painter)
"A SundayAfternoon ontheIsland of LaGrande Jatte"The Persistence of Memory - Dali

7/12/10

The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn is Just to Love (Yourself) and be Loved in Return.

This blog is dedicated to those who let me fall. The ones who helped me fail. You taught me to prevail.

Several events in the past few weeks have led me to continuously ponder a certain crucial aspect to interpersonal relationships.

About 18 months ago I was told by a certain good friend: "Tommy, it doesnt matter who you date. You dont know who you are. You're so insecure that you become whoever the person you are dating wants you to be."

At the time, I took the observation with a nod, but gave no verbal response. In fact, Im not quite sure exactly how I felt at the time. Im sure I disagreed. Im sure I mentally responded with a spontaneous and defensive attack. And then quickly threw the comment out of my head so as not to have to consider  the comment's validitiy for even a moment. 

My old way of dealing.

Out with my reality. In with my vast imagination.

Over the past year and a half I have come to learn about myself, relationships and myself IN relationships. One of the main things I have come to learn....you ready for it? You sure? You've probably never heard it before...ever. But here it is: you have to love yourself before you can expect someone to love you in return.

Obviously I was oozing with sarcasm when I said you've probably never heard that before.
By now, its considered cliche.
The thing about cliches? They're cliche for a reason.

.........

Growing up like I did, I never had much experience with how to handle interpersonal relationships.
Why? I never really had any.
I had a nanny until  I was 4 and I have so many vivid wonderful memories of her.
None of my parents oddly enough.
Wait. Thats not odd at all. They werent around much.

Friends werent really an option. I grew up in the mountains surrounded by snow and forests.
For the first two years of school I was never able to go over to my classmate's houses or birthdays because it was difficult enough getting up and down the canyon for school and groceries. We couldnt really afford to make any extra trips.

Anyway..... long story short(er)... my best friend for a long long time was my imagination. Which is fine. In fact, its wonderful. I wouldnt be the person I am today if that were not the case.

But one of the negative aspects of this is that I was never really able to develop interpersonal skills. Communication. Self respect. Honesty. etc....

I was able to pick up many of these lessons on my own as I entered my teens and started dating. But nothing incredibly substantial and it led to a lot of problems in my more intimate relationships. Many of which have trickled down through the cracks of time and often drip drop onto my head to this day. But progress has been made. Of that, I am sure. But at a steep cost.

This is what I've learned: (as a result of my own personal experience and observing others)
Yes, you do have to love yourself before you can expect others to love you in return. I word it in that particular way because I know for a fact that is possible to love others if you dont love yourself. In fact, it may be easier because that love which would otherwise be directed toward yourself is free to be directed at others. And, as human beings, I personally believe we are programmed to love. It feels good. It feels wonderful.  But if you dont love yourself.... you really cant expect to be loved in return. Fully, at least.

Loving myself has ALWAYS been a struggle.
I'm one of the most insecure people I know. I know this. My friends know this. Its obvious.
I never really understood why anyone would even WANT to love me to begin with. When people claimed they did, I assumed it was either confused feelings (lust?) or they wanted something out of me. Usually, I was right. But I let them use me anyway. At least I felt good/wanted temporarily.

However there have been cases where I have loved others and I know I've been sincerely loved in return. But it really wasn't fair for them.
I didnt love myself.
As such, their love was unable to grow.... it had nothing to ride on. It filled me completely. Which isnt necessarily a good thing. Love from another should fill you, but not completely. It should complete you, but not all of you. It should be added to the love you have already given yourself.

That's true love.
That's the trick.

As one of my favorite song lyrircs goes: "We're one. But we're not the same. We get to carry each other. Carry each other."

I know for a fact the people I have fallen in love with already had a solid foundation of love for themselves in place. It was easier to love them because of it. I've learned that to be fair and equal, you have to give the same. You have to give what you've been given.

That means taking that incredible leap of implementing self-esteem....and acknowledging your own vailidity in this world....
...and beleive me. Its worth it.

Its so so so worth it.

This blog is dedicated to those who let me fall. The ones who helped me fail. You taught me to prevail.
Thank you.

7/7/10

The Apocalypse of Thomas Robert Liam M. Fitzgerald

Found this stored in my email from about 2 years back. I have no recollection of writing it.... but its interesting to look back on. Enjoy.

WARNING* its very t.s. eliot/wasteland-ish in that everything is an obscure reference to who knows what. lol.






"The Apocalypse of Thomas Robert Liam M. Fitzgerald"

a quivering gasp
and a turbulent shout.
these were the sounds left ringing
in his soft and innocent ear.

yet in the realization that Eliot was wrong
that this was much worse than any whimper
or bang
he knew it was not the end all.
end of all. all of the end.
wrapped up in a single moment of passionate distaste

this diluted frame, this recycled mess
could only mirror the world that gave it life
and vigor to exist once more.
or more and more again.

the last frontier?
no. not here. for here is simply there
with a renaissance of hope.
the less hope, the better.
well at least for those zombies on Sunset
who ache and crave the coast.

we reuse speech
and breath cyclical air - a poison by any other name
would smell as sweet. sweet and apathetic to the lungs of those
who dared to dream.

a dream so far deferred. yet ignorant to the flame.

Speaking of the flame.
I remember the Moulin Rouge.
Seen first from the window of Giovanni's smoky room .
Now, seen only in pictures and the minds
of those who can
can.

And like the dance, and like the Rogue
all has turned to dust.
The lidless eye has engulfed the world
and I somehow still seek to
disect the reason, why.

I should not think.
I should not know.
I should be asleep
or at least, at peace
A not in a world of was.
This is all too much for you to understand.
And yet you do.
You do.
.... and yet.

We see the world in a grain of sand
and heaven in a wild flower,
but to hold infinity in the palm of your hand
and eternity in an hour
makes a life beyond life impossible to conceive
yet difficult to leave behind.

But I can tell you this:
The end is not the end
just as birth is not the beginning.
To die is to dream,
a dream of endless catharsis.
And this,
well this is just the climax of a people
gathered in song, and united in sight.

You can choose to fight
or you could choose to run
but one thing you cannot choose
is to choose to choose -
an irony built on the ego
of Langston Hughes,
still on the Brooklyn Bridge,
still screaming the bluest of blues.

The here and now
is the there and then
only much more temporary
and much less desired.

The grass is greener
where you water the grass
and now, at last,
we can drink in the rain that falls from below
and we can begin to grow.

I rot, in Worms -
my body left for Death.
And in the knowledge of pain
I shed just one tear.

A tear for Martin Luther,
both King and Servant,
who spoke of change in a world of consistent hate.

A tear for Patroclus,
who's death finally showed dear Achilles
that the heart is much more vulnerable
than an ankle, or hand.

A tear for Rosencrantz,
who lost his Guildenstern
somewhere on the sea -
who could no longer bear to be
so close and yes so utterly far from the shore.

And a tear, yes.. a tear...
for Pippin and his song.
Which echoed so far
and for so long
that even Daivd LaChapelle heard of the pain
in the intolerable instant
of the first photo his camera ever shot.

The men bred from cacti
and the soldiers of doom
come for me now, to bring me to the dawn.

And when I am gone

yes, when I am gone
think of me as you will.

Your will can and will
bring me back to the light
And when we embrace again,
I hope you hold me just as tight.

7/6/10

To Be. Because You Are.



For R.L.C.

I kiss'd your lids
and the summer sun sealed them with their rays.
a light so warm, it moved your heart.
a beat, skipped.
a moment, remembered.
and the world held her reverbating breath
for us, with us, tonight.

this freshly born season
has, in turn, bred an antiquated reason:
"To Be.
Because you are."
That is all I know these days,
and these days, I know so much.

You shattered the sound of settling
and melted the pieces into a crystline portrait
of something beautiful
that my world has not yet known.

You're quick to fix
and slow to speak
the words and rhymes that hide your mind.
Yet in my hands I feel your heart
and I use my tips to trace the lines
back to your eyes
and suddenly I know
what I've known forever,
yet refused to see.

And this blinding noise,
this deafening light
isnt so much to handle.
With your smile by my side
and your walk in step with mine
I run with purpose and intent
into this new summer sun
to kiss your lids
and to know your heart
once again.

And again I die with hope.
Your kiss, my welcome home.

Welcome home.

tf
7/2010