This blog is dedicated to those who let me fall. The ones who helped me fail. You taught me to prevail.
Several events in the past few weeks have led me to continuously ponder a certain crucial aspect to interpersonal relationships.
About 18 months ago I was told by a certain good friend: "Tommy, it doesnt matter who you date. You dont know who you are. You're so insecure that you become whoever the person you are dating wants you to be."
At the time, I took the observation with a nod, but gave no verbal response. In fact, Im not quite sure exactly how I felt at the time. Im sure I disagreed. Im sure I mentally responded with a spontaneous and defensive attack. And then quickly threw the comment out of my head so as not to have to consider the comment's validitiy for even a moment.
My old way of dealing.
Out with my reality. In with my vast imagination.
Over the past year and a half I have come to learn about myself, relationships and myself IN relationships. One of the main things I have come to learn....you ready for it? You sure? You've probably never heard it before...ever. But here it is: you have to love yourself before you can expect someone to love you in return.
Obviously I was oozing with sarcasm when I said you've probably never heard that before.
By now, its considered cliche.
The thing about cliches? They're cliche for a reason.
.........
Growing up like I did, I never had much experience with how to handle interpersonal relationships.
Why? I never really had any.
I had a nanny until I was 4 and I have so many vivid wonderful memories of her.
None of my parents oddly enough.
Wait. Thats not odd at all. They werent around much.
Friends werent really an option. I grew up in the mountains surrounded by snow and forests.
For the first two years of school I was never able to go over to my classmate's houses or birthdays because it was difficult enough getting up and down the canyon for school and groceries. We couldnt really afford to make any extra trips.
Anyway..... long story short(er)... my best friend for a long long time was my imagination. Which is fine. In fact, its wonderful. I wouldnt be the person I am today if that were not the case.
But one of the negative aspects of this is that I was never really able to develop interpersonal skills. Communication. Self respect. Honesty. etc....
I was able to pick up many of these lessons on my own as I entered my teens and started dating. But nothing incredibly substantial and it led to a lot of problems in my more intimate relationships. Many of which have trickled down through the cracks of time and often drip drop onto my head to this day. But progress has been made. Of that, I am sure. But at a steep cost.
This is what I've learned: (as a result of my own personal experience and observing others)
Yes, you do have to love yourself before you can expect others to love you in return. I word it in that particular way because I know for a fact that is possible to love others if you dont love yourself. In fact, it may be easier because that love which would otherwise be directed toward yourself is free to be directed at others. And, as human beings, I personally believe we are programmed to love. It feels good. It feels wonderful. But if you dont love yourself.... you really cant expect to be loved in return. Fully, at least.
Loving myself has ALWAYS been a struggle.
I'm one of the most insecure people I know. I know this. My friends know this. Its obvious.
I never really understood why anyone would even WANT to love me to begin with. When people claimed they did, I assumed it was either confused feelings (lust?) or they wanted something out of me. Usually, I was right. But I let them use me anyway. At least I felt good/wanted temporarily.
However there have been cases where I have loved others and I know I've been sincerely loved in return. But it really wasn't fair for them.
I didnt love myself.
As such, their love was unable to grow.... it had nothing to ride on. It filled me completely. Which isnt necessarily a good thing. Love from another should fill you, but not completely. It should complete you, but not all of you. It should be added to the love you have already given yourself.
That's true love.
That's the trick.
As one of my favorite song lyrircs goes: "We're one. But we're not the same. We get to carry each other. Carry each other."
I know for a fact the people I have fallen in love with already had a solid foundation of love for themselves in place. It was easier to love them because of it. I've learned that to be fair and equal, you have to give the same. You have to give what you've been given.
That means taking that incredible leap of implementing self-esteem....and acknowledging your own vailidity in this world....
...and beleive me. Its worth it.
Its so so so worth it.
This blog is dedicated to those who let me fall. The ones who helped me fail. You taught me to prevail.
Thank you.
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